I have always been intrigued by the story in Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God.  Jacob is determined.  He says, "I will not let you go until you bless me."   I AM that person.  I, too, have wrestled.  I don't just wrestle with God, I doubt him, test him and then abandon him when I felt he wasn't blessing me.  When I abandon him, I go back to trusting...ME.  I tell God..."it's okay, I've got things now. I know what's best for me and I can make things happen on my own!"  Of course, that never works out too well.  In truth, I don't really abandon God...I just decide to stop listening to/for Him.  He is still there drawing me to himself...waiting for me to come back in to the rink.  His "voice of truth" has ALWAYS rung loud and clear, far above my own music that I was trying to create.  I have been the returning prodigal son way too many times to count.  He always stands at the gate with open arms.

This week I find myself wrestling again.  Not waiting for God to bless me.
He has done that far above anything I could imagine.  Life is good.
Too many blessings to even count.

Maybe it's getting older.  Settled.  Content.
Maybe these things aren't me.
Maybe I don't want them to be me.
Maybe I want to be more.
Maybe God wants more from me.

I have been praying lately that God would draw me closer to Himself.
My mouth was saying the words but my heart was scared to death.
Because I knew the times in my life that I was closest to Him were often times of struggle and hardship.  And I really don't want more of that.
I asked God to just deal with me...don't bring family or loved ones into this.  (yeah, that's me telling God what to do!)

Well, be careful what you ask for.  He is bringing up so much "stuff" in me that it's almost overwhelming.  It's like I was standing comfortably in the shadows, enjoying the cool breeze and the wonderful view and now someone came and chopped down my shade tree!  On the outside, things are still all sunny.  But on the inside of me He is revealing so many things that I thought were long gone.
Guess what?
I still want my own way...no matter what.
I still think that I know best.
I still question God...alot.
I still like to call all of the shots.
I still like the illusion of everything is fine.
still want to be my friend??

At the gym this morning, I think that I nearly peddled the wheels off of that bike.  I was wrestling...with God...with myself.
I just hate it when what's right ...and what I want...don't match up!

My mom always said that i hated taking "no" for an answer.
She was right.
I still don't like it too much.
Only now, it's not over-protective parents telling me "no you can't"...
it's God.

A Savior that loved me enough to lay down his own life.
A God that loves me with a PERFECT love.
A God that sees the Big picture and knows what's best.

It is MY sin that keeps me apart from Him.

I continue to wrestle
even though the battle has already been won.