No resolutions...just re-evaluating

I have never liked New Year's Resolutions...
aren't they just things that you should already be doing anyway?
and who ever really keeps them?


Although January is a good time to re-evaluate and just
see how you are doing. It's a good starting point to look
back and see how you did last year.
But what is the yardstick by which i should measure my success?


Did i make any money? did i build any relationships? did i complete any projects? did i accomplish all of my goals?...
DID I ACTUALLY HAVE ANY GOALS?!
or was i just going through life doing the next thing?
What exactly should i be striving for?
Success? Happiness? Contentment? Joy? Peace?
Happy, successful children? A good marriage? Deep friendships? A joyful life with no struggles??
Well, that all sounds great - but i KNOW that i can't MAKE any of that happen...Yep, as hard as i try and as much as i struggle to "do the right things", i can't force any of these things to happen.
There was a time when i thought i could!


But as i get older it seems that God is continually putting me
in daily circumstances that show me how weak i really am...
and how much i need Him.  which in turn shows me how little i really trust Him.


DO I TRUST HIM TO DO THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE SO BIG THAT THEY CAN ONLY BE EXPLAINED BY HIS PRESENCE?
{or do i keep taking back control and trying to make things happen the way I THINK is best? - actually thinking that I know best!}
The truth is...i am sometimes afraid to pray
"His will be done"
because i am afraid His Will won't match up with
MY WILL.  ouch! The truth stinks sometimes!


Can i ask God to change me? change my circumstances, my feelings, my desires?  Can i trust that HE knows best?
These are the things that trouble my heart...
Joy and doubt have both been at home in my heart this year.
Can i thank Him for both?


YES i can.
He has never failed to provide exactly what i need.
Sometimes i NEED to doubt and struggle...these
often prove to be the fire that purifies my heart and
draws me closer to Him in the end.


The safest place is knowing that my God never changes
and never leaves me alone in my sin...
He watches me stray but is continually calling me back to Himself.